I feel like I’m caught in between.
In general, I heard how amazing it is to go to bed, knowing that the person you care about so much also cares about you too. How amazing it is to feel the security, feel the warmth, and feel the comfort even when that person isn’t even next to you, because you relive the moments when you were together. It’s that ‘finally’ feeling that draws the biggest smile on your face when you think about them, and you smile even bigger when you see that special person face-to-face. It makes you happy—so happy, you can just cry, cry with joy, because it makes all the shit in the past worth living through. It makes you not regret that you didn’t give up your emotions, your life, whatever. It makes you feel empty when you don’t see them, don’t hear them, when you’re not with them, and you feel so lost without them. You’re glad that person’s in your life, and seeing him smile makes everything it took to get it there one hundred fucking percent worth it, even if you had to suffer in the process, because in turn, you feel happy that you are the reason. No matter what they do, what they say, you forgive them, because people are merely human, and humans make mistakes. Second and third chances don’t exist because there’s always forgiveness. You make sacrifices. You take care of them and make sure they’re okay more than you do for yourself, and the only way you can explain why you do what you do is because of that feeling. It’s that feeling…that indescribable feeling. And it lasts because that special person feels the exact same way. You grow off of the reciprocation. You grow together.
I’ve always sampled this feeling countless times in small periods, and I like it. I like it a lot. It seems like it’d make life feel worth living for if I knew it were to be forever.

However, the thing that scares me is the potential that this feeling has of being only temporary and how its chance of permanence is so, so rare. It scares me to death. The pain and suffering that follows this happiness seems like it’d be unbearable, judging from what I’ve sampled. I haven’t really fully experienced that pain firsthand either, and the pain I have experienced seems so minuscule in comparison because all my relationships have been bullshit thus far. I’m terrified to feel that amount of hurt when I barely pulled through with everything else. Despite how amazing that feeling of happiness may be, my fear of its potential to complete mental devastation in its aftermath makes me reluctant to go far with anyone. On top of that, I’ve been kicked to the side so many fucking times, I’m afraid to become attached again, only to end up in tears and no one to blame for it all but myself. No one has ever truly stuck by me or kept their promises, and I’ve just been played like a fool too many fucking times by too many fucking people. It’s not that I can’t or don’t want to trust people—I don’t want to die alone—but I feel as if, for me, dealing with that pain and rejection from someone I grew so attached to would be just as worse as dying alone. 

I’m stuck in my own self-made conundrum: I’m scared to be alone, but I’m scared to love. I’m scared to love because I’ve never been in love. I’m scared to let my guard down to someone who I think will be there for me and then end up getting disappointed. I’m scared to take my first step. I’m afraid of taking happiness by the hands because of its potential to cause destruction. For the first time, I just want someone who will always try to have the best intentions, someone who will forgive me, someone who will want to see me happy before himself, someone who I can tell anything to without the fear of judgement, someone who I can trust and rely on, literally, no matter what. Someone who I can give my vulnerability to and will promise me that feeling that happiness is worth taking the risk of all the pain. I just want someone who will be willing to take the first step into a deep, meaningful journey with me, regardless of whether he’s at square one or if its his first foot forward too. Someone that won’t just lure me in, treat me like a puppet for his own selfish, sadistic needs, and then throw me aside when he gets bored. Someone who is brave enough to stay and take these pieces and put them back together with me. I’ve put my faith into humanity too many times; I just want a happy ending like everyone else.

I’d be willing to give so much. I’d love even if it hurt, because pain is virtually obsolete when you are filled with so much passion, isn’t it? I’m willing to talk things out instead of fighting, screaming, yelling. I try to be as understanding and open-minded as I can, seeing things from other perceptions while holding my own. I’d much rather take the blame and suffer with a heavy heart if its for the sake of his happiness because, if he’s willing to save me from my own fears, I would do anything to give him that same level of protection. It’s probably crazy and stupid, but that’s just who I am. I would be completely selfless, would almost always agree to have it his way, and I’ll learn to like it because it’ll just be a new experience in the end. I’ll forgive, but never forget, and always learn. His happiness will be my ultimate goal because it’ll make me happy, too.

I’m patient; I don’t mind waiting, but…I don’t know, sometimes all my memories come back to fucking haunt me. 
I don’t even know what I’m saying or what my point is anymore.